little pieces

gay guys in the subway smoking cigarettes
playing a game

I kept peeking
it seemed unsafe
it was desolate
why would you go over there
I want to see what they are doing
What are they doing? What kind of game is that? Are they on drugs?

lifetime of man

creeping through people to get to the exit of the subway
so crowded and everyone is walking slow
get out of my way
up and down steps
walls covered in aging wood painted over white
white halls and stairways
completely whitewashed

I have no idea what's up with me and the dreams about gay men lately. I do miss queer culture. I've never been around so many straight people in my entire life, but regular dreams of gay men... I'm not quite sure why. Dave Pugh told me once that there's a geeky teenage boy that lives inside me. I think there is some truth to that and I often wonder what it feels like to be a man. I like the idea of performing gender and sexuality. When I want to be "woman" I put on my woman costume and my woman make-up and put on the show of "pretty," "cute" or whatever it is that day. And to a certain extent it's the expression of the little gay man inside me through that too. It sounds funny, but I feel like the femininity and womanly beauty I display in these moments is more informed by drag queens than it is by mainstream female archetypes. There's something about the drag queen attitude, the style, the illusion they create, etc. that feels and looks to me more like being a woman. At least, maybe, it's the kind of woman I enjoy--fierce, fabulous, outgoing, bold, confident, uninhibited, bitchy, but still sensitive, mysterious, humorous, and the center of attention. Maybe it's the fact that it is a completely fabricated version of a woman, and created from a male point of view... (just like models... but better? because it's actually a man?) and then I feel like I'm all fucked up in my head. Could I believe that being a woman is only truly defined by male ideals of beauty? Don't I have my own secure sense of what it is to be a beautiful woman? The ideal female beauty (to me) is created best by men? The only thing better than being a woman would be being a gay man being a woman? oy. I think I'm tired.