grad school, again

Laying in bed, trying to breathe, I float in and out of consciousness. I dream a bit, wake up and write it down, read my book a bit, fall asleep again, wake up, mark a few papers, fall asleep.

Lately my dreams have been vivid and bizarre. I woke up frantically looking for a pen and paper to write down the name Rucker Ruenberger before I forgot. I told myself to google him later. I have no idea what I was dreaming about, just that this was extremely important.

I was in grad school, again, getting another design related degree that I'd never use. I was being a lazy student and I hadn't completed my homework. I was turning red, overheating, and sweating. I didn't know how this could have happened. I got the sense that was such a huge fuck up and I couldn't stop failing. The strangest part was the collection of students in my class. Notables included: Merlin, Greg (a new co-worker who's been there for 12 years now), and some woman, who I actually went to grad school with. I can never remember. All I know is that she was a hardcore lady who used to do tv production, I liked her winter boots, and she was from New Jersey.

The homework assignment was to come up with a product, interactive tool, or event that combined two seemingly unrelated user groups. For example, Merlin had designed some kind of fragrance line that had to do with the alphabet. That made no sense, but in my dream world he had done a very good job with his homework. I was impressed by his rendering skills and his whole presentation. But, I heard next to nothing he said. I was too busy being completely embarrassed and trying to come up with something, quick.

In the back of my mind I kept recreating a Simpson's episode where Homer had said "ahhh... what if we got people who like beer and people who like music together?" Then they pan out to a Duff sponsored music festival that looked like Woodstock 2. If that's an actual episode or not, I have no idea. I kept racking my brain trying to come up with something interesting, but everything was too general. I kept going back to the Simpson's episode hoping I'd haphazardly stumble upon something genius. "Food and music," I kept saying to myself, trying to brainstorm. I came up with two lame ideas that didn't completely make sense--a recipe book that was on a cd with songs that go together with the dishes and an online-based travel game where you went on a food/restaurant/eating scavenger hunt from China, through Russia, to Europe. Somehow it was loosely related to geocaching. No one was impressed. Merlin looked at me blankly and I heard his thoughts that sounded something like, "Stupid bitch. What are doing you doing in grad school?" Of course, these weren't his thoughts, but my own. I woke up still trying to think of something innovative.

I have a lot of anxiety about my new job. I'm the youngest in the department. I'm not sure that I'm qualified, have enough experience, or even know enough about the English language. I feel like I'm bluffing all the time. At my most insecure moments I convince myself that: I barely got through high school, but got into a good college by mistake (or because I put that I was African-American on the application); I only got into grad school because I was in the only interview group that Red Burns hadn't attended; and that I only got this job because I got a master's degree from NYU. Everything else was nothing more than a glossy front. I never feel on par with my peers or co-workers. I'm always admiring them for all the things that come easily to them. I was always intimidated by the super smart design freaks of ITP. That was a time of failure, and I fear experiencing that again.